sum, esse, fui, futurus

howdoiputthisgently:

OOOOF

I may have had a nervous breakdown on the way home from work today, but I think I may have also experienced one of the most defining epiphanies of my life. I was crying hysterically but I was so happy, because in about 10 seconds I realized that it was the most beautiful day, and it was ok that my mom died in my backyard when I was 11. It was ok that I had a guy get in my face 3 months ago and tell me I was the worst person he’s ever met and that he would hate me forever, and it’s ok that when I was 12 the boy I had liked for a year asked me out as a joke. Maybe they aren’t things that I can ever rejoice in or be happy about but it’s ok. Every insecurity and every devastating moment suddenly feels necessary, because it’s my story, and because watching my sister become a mother for the first time after 7 years of praying was the most beautiful thing. Feeling the love of all of my family and the way the James River looks at 7 am every morning, and holding a baby in my arms, and a first kiss on a back porch, and sitting on the floor in the library at 5 am, and singing with my grandmother on the way home from church when I was 8, and knowing exactly who I am, and knowing that it doesn’t matter if people will continue to let me down, because I’m not afraid. This whole thing is too beautiful and important not to be open and to share joy with others as well as suffering and devastation. It’s not just about the past week or even the past year, though it’s a part of it. It was having my best friends get in bed with me and pat me on the head and tell me how wonderful I am and how much they love me. It’s the fact that for months I’ve wondered if every bad thing that has happened to me has taken a little bit more away from me, and how to live without feeling whole. But I’m not afraid, and I have everything. I want to love everyone and be friends with everyone and write a letter to every person I’ve ever met telling them that, but I hope this will suffice for now. I want to help you not to be afraid and insecure, because you have everything too. Nothing else that’s happened that hurt me up to this point makes a bit of difference and I want you to know that. Maybe there’s no one specific that needs to know this but maybe everyone does. It won’t matter when I graduate in a year who remembers me and who doesn’t, because I’ll remember all of this and how beautiful and hard it all was and I’ll be glad.

And I love when Elena comes and gets in bed with me and gives me advice and calls me babydoll. That’s how friends are supposed to be.